Lost In Translation

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The room is dark. No bargain for any light at all but the glow of this monitor.
I'm on the floor with all that I need spread out everywhere. A camera, scanner, pillows and a drink.
Listening to Eels blasting rather loudly. The neighbours won't hear it.

you don't have a clue,
what it is like
to be next to you.

birds singing a song,
old paint is peeling,
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling.
words can't be that strong,
my heart is reeling,
this is that fresh,
that fresh feeling

This is it.
My quiet time. My hour of solitude.
My time to sit and think; reflect on the past, ponder on the future.
Thinking about her...

It's good to be home.

Much like Alex, I've been having writer's block lately. Can't seem to know what to write about. I draft about four to five paragraphs of entries, only to delete them in the end 'cause they suck. Or at least I think they do.

But anyways. Tis been a while since I blogged about what I've been up to.
I finished my term at EY last Wednesday. Holidayed at Genting on Thursday. Lomofested in Malacca on Friday. Window shopped on Saturday. Church on Sunday.
Came back home to Kluang, home sweet home, on Monday, where life finally came to a slow motion. It's funny how living in KL changes people. I never seemed to understand it with my friends who'd previously left our small little town and come back different. I now see it. I think. Or maybe it's just me.

You know how when you're running for a while (as in exercising), once you've come to a stop, you can't sit down immediately? You oughta walk around for a bit and let your body cool down. Well it's something like that with my transition of living the KL pace for 2 months and coming back here. Except that I didn't cool down at all. It was as if life came to a sudden halt. My heart's still pumping hard but I'm not moving. It's uncomfortable.

Doesn't mean that it isn't good though. I think rest has long been overdue for me. But I guess it was also good that it wasn't long before Lee Yen came back down with Mel visiting from KL on Wednesday.
It's Mel's first time down in lil' ol' Kluang, so we decided to give her a full-on tour around town (as long as that can take), introducing to what life in Kluang's all about:-

Food.

Not used to waking up in the a.m., we nevertheless dragged her up in the mornings for breakfasts, followed by teas, dinners, and more drinks at night. We even drove up to Batu Pahat in the morning, came back to Kluang shortly in the afternoon only to drive on down to Kahang for (a less than legal?) dinner all in the one day. We stretched her 'awake time' to new horizons, I think. I wonder what sort of an impression (besides the lala-ness of all Kluang) she has of us now. I hope we can still be friends.

It's been exhausting, but good. I like my days full these days, rather than just slacking around. Makes me feel like I'm living this life to the fullest, as a friend reminded, while I'm still young.
Wondering now though if I could keep this up back in Melbourne...

i don't get it.
i really don't.
i turn to look at those i loved, only to find they're no longer whom i want. did the world move so fast i fell behind? or did i spin so hard, i've lost it? who i am today i don't know anymore. this person in the mirror i see, a stranger i do not recognise. i'm so uncomfortable with who this person is. it's not me. i don't know you. i don't think i want to. are you even good or evil? a hybrid made of compromise? i dare not venture forward. this place is so uncomfortable. but i just don't want to move on.

this is stupid.
here i am waiting for something that's not going to happen to happen. hoping for the forbidden. losing grip of the love i have. where's my miracle? where's my promise? where are you? i think i made a wrong turn somewhere. all i see are dark grey clouds. and i am overcome with fear. selfish fear. for myself. i don't want to go back to where i was. it was pleasant. it was good. i was on a high. but it feels so fake now. a distant memory. the gravity of this world's pulling me down. i am blinded by 'reality'.

why this tragedy?
the curtains are far from being drawn in this play. the writer has yet to put down the pen. but the actor is tired. he is thinking of a career change. but how can he let the company down? where does he have to go? the world out there is a scary place. there is shelter here. guidance. teachings. directions from the director. the show must go on. tis the point of it all, isn't it? he needs a drink.

i can only hope.

"let your love be strong, and i don't care what goes down
let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
all of my world hanging on your love"
- jon foreman

[edit: i think i'm having my man-period]

There's a cat and her three kittens who live at my house, I found out today.
The three kittens find shelter in this drain pipe and they are absolutely adorable.

I found out when I was on my way out to get myself lunch today. They were in the garden, the mother just laying in the grass with her three little ones playing with each other. It was such a Calendar Kodak moment.
But when they saw me, they split, and the mother got defensive and sneered at me. Or at least I think she did.

mother cat

One somehow leaped out the back of my house and landed in the bushes of undeveloped area behind. She started meowing for her mum as she couldn't get back up. I couldn't get her back up.

Oh gosh. I don't know what happened to her. But by the time I came back from getting lunch, I think I saw all three back together in the drainpipe.

Yay.

I'll miss kl.
I've never quite experienced life here the way I have this time round - living here, instead of the usual visit where I'd bunk over at Jia Wei's in Subang and be chauffeured around along with his lagged timezone. Not to say that's bad, please. Those holidays were certainly the best. But this time round, it was life here in a bigger picture.

And I like it.

Working has certainly opened my eyes to certain realities that my mind has only been as far as imagined. It's a scary world out there, and to think that it's a destination my course is taking me, I find that I have much to prepare for. The practicality of things. Circumstances that may be created. Lines to be drawn. Is this the life that I'm really going to live for the next few decades? Again, It's not all bad. Business Tax Advisory in EY is great. It's just a matter of the heart, I guess. And commitment.

I think I've come to terms with the chaotic traffic there. There really is order in that chaos, I find. And given that I'm not in a hurry, it can be rather therapeutic. Gives me time to think. And when I just need to relax, I turn on the radio and feed on the impossible trash it has to offer. I oddly find myself intolerant of the traffic here in Kluang though. It's either I've never noticed it before, or it has just simply become messier than I remembered. People walking in the middle of the street like they own it, the incredibly slow pace some cars can drive at on small roads (ave: 30-40km/hr), and the unorganised mat rempits. On the other hand, in kl, it's a test of wit I tell you; making it almost a challenge everytime. But on the other days, those crazy messy roads still somehow has its charms.

On the matter of friendships, while yes, I've learnt to cope with disappointments with some, new ones have sprouted and others strengthened to new levels. My fellow VT's in BTA (above picture) for one, is a bunch I really like. Though the chances of working with any one of them ever in the future's close to nil, it has definitely been fun working with this bunch (they're all girls!) - having lunches everyday at the same ol' places, complaining about the lack/overload of work, counting down to the end of the days, and chatting online on Sametime... which should really be used for office purposes.
Mer is another one I've been hanging out with a lot. And I mean a lot. Tis fun to have good friends who live so close by (Su, you should have stayed! Erwin, you should live in your shop! And Iris, you should've stayed longer!). It's so convenient! After work, it's so easy to just catch up for dinner/supper at a nearby area, or on more adventurous/free days, travel out. What I love most about here is that there's always something new to discover. Let it be some fancy dessert house in a shopping mall or a tiny, dimly lit mamak place that serves the best butter toasts at 2:00a.m., there's always something new to keep me on my toes. You gotta love that!

But now, in just less than 4 days, it's time for me to head back to Melbourne for my (hopefully) last year in uni. I know I came back here dying to head back as soon as possible. But now I find myself at the other end of the line. Perhaps it's the holiday too short. Technically, I've only had less than 3 weeks of a holiday, as I've been working from December through to January. Or perhaps it's just the thrill of the short escape from the usual routine that has been life in Melbourne. For the last time, I don't mean it in a bad way. I love Melbourne. Church is great (plays such a big part, and that's new to me). Apartment life with semi-independence is also fun. And my ADSL2+ is still beckoning. Lastly, I think I've spent too long a time away from Esther. A reunion is overdue.

But until then, I think I just wanna enjoy the moment. I'm now back home in Kluang. Chinese New Year is just around the corner, and I have people I need to catch up with. Some classmates I haven't met in more than 4 years are back in town this time round. I can't wait. And of course, there's the angpows to collect, and the family reunion dinner to look forward to.

It's good to be home.
I like this.

As of last year, I think it has become some sort of a tradition for my mum's side of the family to take a family portrait during Chinese New Year.
I've been missing out on Chinese New Year back home for about 3 years now, I think. This year was my first year back since.

If only we started this while my grandpa was still around.

............................................

On a different note, I'm back in Melbourne.
Still a little jetlagged, and definitely feeling a little weird.
Everything feels so surreal.
I got lost a coupla times driving the roads today. In attempting to hit St. Kilda Beach, I ended up on Chapel Street. Hmmm. I guess shopping still subconsciously beckons. I even forgot my pin number to my ATM card. And Esther's apartment floor. And what it feels like to drive the Camry. Where I left my stuff. What my wardrobe looks like (I feel like I'm a very different person today especially in this area). And how much does what cost.

Crap.

Had 5 hours of lectures in a row today. Ended at 7:15pm.
Yea. It was awesome.

My timetable this semester's pretty cool. Despite the crazy Monday, I have my Tuesdays and Thursdays off, and the rare classes here and there on the rest of the week. I hope I can find a part-time job in between to fill up my days, get some experience and savings too. :)

It was weird though, walking to classes today. The uni was packed with busy people. Freshies, mostly. I noticed kids baking themselves in the parks under the sun (idiots), sitting together in corners studying the uni map on the back of their diaries, lining up for barbecues and free booze cuz it's the first time they've ever seen stuff like that, and one dude taking a piss on a tree.

I found out a few nights back that two of my friends hooked up. It was the most awkward moment when it was announced to me, despite the fact that I totally saw it coming. And I reacted terribly, I don't even know why. I left the room and slammed the door. I owe them an apology. I am honestly happy for them. Really. For the first time in a long time, I somehow didn't know how to react and was lost for words. And I wasn't even shocked. Felt like laughing, hugging, questioning (seriously and jokingly), probing, teasing. But I just didn't know how to compose myself.

Sorry, guys.

I have a lot of laundry to do. And errands to run. And I need to find a job quick.
Thank God for free Tuesdays and Thursdays now.