Just a couple of weeks ago, its all exam and stress. Then a couple of days ago..
Well, how does one changes his environment without geographically moving?
By having his mom coming (or going). Suddenly I'm in this very livable space, with the rooms seemingly to have magically expanded overnight. Then I'm eating without having to worry what to eat, when to eat, and how much it costs. More than that, suddenly the sofa is my bed, the laptop is my desktop, and the dvd player is my entertainment.
That's right, my laptop. I just got a Compaq Presario X1316AP, and I LOVE it! Apart from its inferior soundcard and speakers, this thing is way better than my desktop. Since it came I've been spending a lot of time setting it up. Now, it has a functional basic dualboot Windows XP Home and Gentoo Linux with Gnome.
Unfortunately, just as I was about to go on setting up the essential softwares (like Itunes and Adobe Photoshop and Unreal Tournament etc), I found out that I overshot my download limit by 400mb, with 15cents per mb. Now its a test of patience - I'm not gonna download anything until next month. Well, I know its only 2 more days.. but still...
Not only that, with my mum here it means I can only spend minimal time with everyone else, and I can't even go to LDP and the stuff I usually go to. But then again, Isaac and Aaron are already gone, Winnie's mum's coming soon, Dave has always been 'exclusive', and Esther can take care of herself. Looks like this actually is the best time for my mum to come. The LDP and stuff, well, I guess I can't always hope I always have time for everything.
Oh well, I'm in a different 'home' now I guess. A different season too, because of that. And I miss you guys!
from Dave's Schizophrenialogy
Not sure how it happened, but somehow Dave made me agree to post this. Oh well, for my own integrity..
HAVE YOU EVER------------------
* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: If I can get over with alcohol's bad taste, I may want to try it..
* Missed school B/coz it was raining: Hey, that's an idea
* Put a body part on fire for amusement: Who's body part?
* Been hurt emotionally: Ouch.
* Kept a secret from everyone: That's a secret too
* Had an imaginary friend: How is that socially fulfilling?
* Cried during a Movie: .
* Had a crush on a teacher: No, but I wanted to crush a teacher once.
* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: Cool, yes. Hot, no.
* Had a New Kids on the Block tape: I heard about it. Does it count?
* Been on stage: Yep, I've packed up stuff from the stage before
* Cut your hair: No, I shed it.
-------FavORITES------------------
* Shampoo: Favorite? I can list what I don't like though.. No herbal essence, no head and shoulders of any type, and none of those nonsense I see on TV, except for johnson's.
* Soap: What!? That hazardous slippery old fashioned antique?! You could hurt somebody with that! Go buy a body wash now!!
* Color: Hmm, was white, then yellow, then white, then blue, then white, then red, then white, now skyblue
* Day/Night: With electrical lights they don't make any difference to me
* Summer/Winter: Something cooler than winter would be perfect
* Lace or satin: Is it food?
* Fave cartoon Characters!: Funny. I love heaps of cartoons, but not their characters
* Fave Food: Anything Italian, Chinese, Japanese, and ice cream
* Fave Advert: I generally hate them.
* Fave Movie: K-Pax is still my favorite!
* Fave Ice Cream: Don't start it.
* Fave Subject: Anything that I can sleep through the lectures, skip the assignments and studying, and still get H1. Oh. None.
* Fave Drink: Water? I love milk too, if I don't throw up everytime I drink it..
* Fave Persons to talk to online: Friends I don't meet in person, like my Finnish friend!
----------------RIGHT NOW------------------
* Wearing: T-shirt and jeans, though I really should change. It's been on me for 3 days in a row
* Hair is: Black and short and messy. The only part that had changed for the past 20 years was 'short'.
* I'm feeling: Sleepy and sad..
* Eating: ...
* Drinking: Ah, that reminds me. Haven't drank anything yet..
* Thinking about: Dave owes me one for making me post this.
* Talking to: Myself. I mean you.
---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
* Cried: "I'm a man of many wishes.."
* Wear a skirt : Even girls don't do that anymore!
* Met someone new : Let me handle this current batch first..
* Cleaned your room: My room? My room!!! Who messed it up!?
* Done Laundry : Maybe next month
* Drove a car: ...
---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------
* Yourself: Yes, don't I?
* Your friends: Ahem, yes, certainly some of them.
* Santa Claus: Not even when I'm 5.
* Tooth Fairy: What IS that?
* Destiny/Fate: Destiny is a little too dramatic word for it.. But yes.
* Angel : Yes, but how is this important?
* Ghosts : Perhaps if I believe hard enough they'll become real..
* UFO's : I hope so.. It'll be nice to shoot one down and take it apart for research..
-----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: I'm too busy for those kind of games.
* Like anyone : You wish. I mean I love you guys!
* Who's the loudest: Can't remember her name..
* Who's the shyest: Can't remember his name..
* Who's the weirdest: Can't remember its name..
* Who do you go to for advice: Can't remember their names..
* Who do you cry to?: Uh, if do cry, I guess to myself?
* When did you cried the most: Secret. -]
* What's the best feeling in the world? : When someone tells me I'm good at the things I like to do..
* Worst feeling: They all feel the worst when I'm experiencing it.
* Who will respond to this trivia the fastest? : Dave you owe me one.
* Who wont respond? : Dave you owe me two.
* Who sent this to you? : Dave. Why you!! You owe me three!
* Do you want all your friends to do this and send it back to you? : I won't force it onto you unlike SOMEBODY I know.. just kidding!
by Diana Ross from The Land Before Time
Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith hope and glory
Hold to the truth
In your heart
If we hold on together
I know our dreams
Will never die
Dreams see us through
To forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
Souls in the winds
must learn how to mend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears
All away
Words are swaying
Someone is praying
Please let us come
Home to stay
If we hold on together
I know our dreams
Will never die
Dreams see us through
To forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
When we are out there
In the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark
We'll feel the light
Warm our hearts
Everyone
If we hold on together
I know our dreams
Will never die
Dreams see us through
To forever
As high
As souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I
-----------------------------
I LOVE this song. This is the song that first sparked my passion and love in musical soundtracks. Before this song, I had absolutely no interest in music and singing(yep, you heard me right). Anything like that playing would just go over my head unnoticed.
It it weren't for this song, I wouldn't even like Disney(!!). Till this day, this song can still touch my heart and move my world. In fact, I believe this song had given the shape to my childhood personality. I LOVE this song.
How did I get here? I used to dislike poetry. I mean, they are structurely weird, they make no logical sense whatsoever and they are pointlessly sophisticated that effectively humble their readers more than they enlighten. Why would anyone write anything that is intentionally confusing? Even worse, why would anyone enjoy reading anything that intentionally confuses them?
There was once a friend suggested that I probably disliked it because I did not understand it. That time, I more than agreed with him. Poetry confuses me. And I hate not understanding English, especially when everyone else does. Then he went on saying that I probably did not understand it because I haven't written any, and I should write some. But how can I write something which I had disliked for all my life?
Well, many things happened in between. Somewhen much later during a bunch meeting, we had a meditation exercise where we write down our thoughts. Horrifyingly, a poetry-like 'thought' was produced. But surprisingly, I actually felt inspired by it. I even felt like I understood the words. Somehow, the sophisticated words transformed into images and stories, flowed from it emotions that no words can describe. Maybe that's what poetry does? Reveals the true emotional expressions that cannot be described with words - even though poetry are written in words?
I tried to write poetry after that, but of no avail. It seemed that I could only write poetry when I'm not trying. After a long while, I gave up trying to write poetry. But at least I can read poetry now, a little. Sometimes I can even feel the writer. Even song lyrics carries more meaning now. Then, a couple of nights ago, a childhood habit came back - reaching the stars. I reached and I reached, and amazingly, words came pouring in, trying to describe my feelings, my thoughts.
The next morning, it took me courage to decide posting it here. I guess it was the 'encouragements' from my friends that helped me decide. It it weren't for Jon who brought it up during a conversation, and Karen who sparked it during a bunch meeting, and listeningpoint.org who 'encouraged' me (by peer pressure) to post this, I wouldn't come to this point. So, thanks guys!
Strange huh? I have never even dreamed that I'm capable of writing poetry of any sort until that day.
Deep in the night
When I close my eyes
My room vanishes
And the Earth with it
Bathed in starlight
In all its splendor
With no clouds in its way
Or a moon to compete
Beautiful
I would lift my hands
To reach for the stars
To touch its eternal mystery
To grasp the infinite unknown
My heart longed
In aching adoration
To understand it
To reach it
But all has changed
Since I know you
My God
My Saviour
Now in the night
I would lift my hands
To reach for you
For you are the eternal mystery
The infinite unknown
I ache for you
I cry for you
Let me touch you
Let me understand you
Beautiful
When I close my eyes
Only You and I remain
Waiting
For Your hands to catch mine
-----------------------------------
This came up when I was sleeping - about to sleep. Some nights when I was a kid, I would pretend that the ceiling doesn't exist, and 'reach' for the stars. Of course I did not understand it that time. Now I do. I was enchanted by its mystery and beauty. I was fascinated by the unreachable.
I still lift up my hands sometimes before I sleep, but this time, the stars transformed into something else, or rather, the stars took form of what it had always represented in my mind. The eternal beauty of mystery. The infinite splendor of the unknown. My God. Our God.
Exams.
For some reason I viewed exams as the obstacle I had to overcome to take a step closer toward my dreams. I mean, they bring distress, panic, impatience, weariness, grief, grim and a whole lot of other negative vibes out of me, when I'm usually none of those things (I hope). If I give up, my dreams will forever be dreams. And if I don't, then I'm ready for the next 'obstacle'. *sigh*.
But I remembered there was once, during another examination period, when I was emotionally and intellectually not fit for social interaction, I prayed for our exams, and the words that came from my own mouth surprised me. It was basically about not letting the exams taking control over my life, dominating the centre of my heart and mind (hence causing a lot of pain), but its about me taking mastership over my exams. After all, we're made to be rulers over all things on Earth, not the other way around. Instead of studying out of fear because I had no choice, I would train myself to seize the exams, since it was the potential that God had already given to every one of us.
So why do I study? For the glory of God? For my dreams? For fear?
I'm happy that I remembered that prayer when I did, because it reminded me that I'm studying not because the exams made me to, but because I had a purpose, and I mean to fulfill it.
Basically, that, combined with Tim's words and Teusday's teaching materials:
Let's make those evil exams holy!