melanie's blog

In or Out?

Was just talking to a friend, and strangely i realised that many of us are in this 'low', this state that we feel left out, left behind and LOST - not really sure where we are and maybe, we have lost that sense of belonging and become either indifferent or cynical.

We feel left OUT, but is there such thing as IN? Or is this an arbituary description that we use all the time without even defining it. Is there such thing as IN? Those people who seems to be IN, do they really know WHAT they are IN? Do they necessarily feel that they are IN? And maybe, they are just as cynical as I am now.

On the other note, is there supposed to be this thing called IN? Or maybe it is just a state of the heart, a choice that one makes, a re-sponse away from our normal reaction, our reluctance to fall under the cycle of animal behaviour and to embrace LIFE.

IN
I don necessarily feel,
OUT
I don necessarily want,
So
I think i know what i should do
But
I am not sure if i want to
Bottomline
I have to make a choice...

My Journey thus far

It’s interesting how the insecurity of mankind makes us want to keep everything under our own control. And it is even more interesting to know that all of us are aware that God doesn’t like us to be like that, yet we continue doing it anyway – at least I do. And I have to learn it the hard way.

As most of you would know and would remember the puffy looking Mel on crutches a few months ago, Yup! That was me. It all happened last September when a leg ulcer began to develop on my left leg. It became really bad, medically bad – but Good in God’s term =). Subsequently I had 2 surgeries, 1st on Christmas Eve and the 2nd on first day of CNY. Yes, I spent the whole time in the ward with my fellow sufferers with tubes and machines hanging and sticking all over our body. What a great year of New Beginnings eh?!!

I remember it was also the time where God was able to step into my world, to turn everything I thought I knew upside down, pulling down structures I have built and challenging my library of facts and knowledge. The whole situation I was in is completely beyond my control. I was left with nothing but a broken and crushed heart. All I could do is hope and pray and cling tightly onto my community who supported me faithfully with their prayers and kindness. It was a time I get to sit back and have a close look at the people around me, the relationships I have built with them, and what it means for me. I realised they are channel which God can use to shows His love. I realised that I matter, I realised I wasn’t alone. Not at all!! I am SOOOO LOVED despite my weaknesses and imperfection. I remember when I was in the ward, I have a group of frens who went to Thailand for Mission trip. I was supposed to cover them with prayers. But what happened was, they had their little prayer meeting for me in their hotel room. I was like.. WOW… wow!! It was through my relationships, I learnt the reality of GOD, the Great I AM – who is LOVE. It completely shifted my understanding on Love, a term so loosely used yet so little understood. I experienced love that has got no boundaries, the perfect love that cast out all fear. I began to understand when we say God is Love. God can’t be physically down here on earth to show His love, and so He uses His creation, His image bearers just like you and me to express His love all around. It just blow my mind just to imagine that, I wonder what a world it would be like if everyone dares to express His love for one another. And that is the heart of God.

After the surgery, my ulcer did not heal completely. No, the original ulcer healed up after the graft but a secondary ulcer has developed and has not healed up just yet. It is taking its own sweet time… The healing process itself is a huge learning curve for me. Living everyday at the edge of uncertainty would be the least desired position for any human being. It was a daily struggle - a struggle of wanting to grab hold of things around me to make me feel secure, yet there is none. Many times I find myself on my knees crying and crying, asking God for my daily bread. More often than not, my spirit is cast down, unable to rise up. It’s a classic of Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But one day, it doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I was talking to myself. “If the flesh is weak, do something!! Don’t let it stop you from living life, the full life God has for you!! Get a life would you?! Train that flesh of yours.” Then at the same week, the teaching of 1 Tim on disciplining ourselves, training ourself for the purpose of Godliness hit home again. For godliness holds the promise for the present life and also for the life to come.

The message did not end there, as I continue to train hard to be faithful to God, to the life he has called me to live, his call became clearer and clearer and at the same time also more painful. The uncertainty continues, the days I could plan ahead became shorter and shorter and each day became more and more significant. I guess its God way of teaching me not to look too far ahead for tomorrow and miss what makes tomorrow. It’s the same like our desires for acquired potential, wanting to grab hold of more, more certainty, more assurance, more control, more power, yet missing what matters the most – the present! God has challenged me to live, to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him. Trust him, be faithful despite circumstances, and truly live life as He has intended for me - the life that is Love-Inspired, Hope-filled, and Faith-empowered, to carry His presence wherever I go.

And now, I really think God has been answering my prayers, all your prayers for my healing. Even more than what we’ve asked for. God did some inner healing and much more than just healing. Its life transforming!!!

Back to my ulcer… its still there… like a size of a 5 cent coin. But it is good. For everything created by God is good and nothing is to be rejected, for it is made holy by means of the word of God and prayer. Much prayer has gone out for this good ulcer and of course God is using it for a greater purpose than what you and I can ever imagine. Because of this ulcer, I got my visa extended over and over again, I get to stay here and be part of the great work of my Father here in Melbourne. And I believe doors are opening for me in which I can step in and bring the Love of God into our world out there. There are still lots of uncertainties, but I have learnt to put my trust in my God who sees something I cannot see.

Now...who do i look like?

So now, who do you think i look like the most? Take a pick!! Have fun...

Proud Grandaughter I am...

This is a write up from today's The Star newspaper back in Malaysia. It is also what i missed out 2 Saturdays ago. And Yes, this is my 95 years old, healthy, strong, and 'hemsem' Grandpa. :-)

Just looking and reading this article has brought an enormously sense of joy and connectedness with my family. I am grateful for my family, the YapClan!!! We are awesome!!! I was told by my mum and sisters that it was a great day of celebration and Ah Kong was VERY VERY HAPPY that he refused to go to bed even though it was way past his bedtime. Being part of the family and a frequent attendee of these family bash, i could just well imagine in my head the atmosphere and the whole connectedness and unity within all my 70 other family members. I miss my family...

Coming back to the joy that my Ah Kong has, i guess for his generation, success was measured by his family, the kind of family he built and the strength of the relationship between each and everyone in the family. (As supposed to now, where success is measured by how much you earn and how much material you are able to possess) Family value was big for my Ah Kong, and I am proud to say that he succeeded BIG TIME. I am so proud to be one of his grandaughter. I love you Ah Kong...

Between, i seriously have no idea who is this shorter girl beside the cake is. Have I been away from home for that long??? Sigh...

Don't blame others when you miss out!!!

I think I am really learning more and more and enjoying more and more of what it means by SHARING, be it joy or pain. It is overwhelming just to know that YOU matters. A lot of the time, distance, our own busyness, shyness and many other constraints has stopped us from expressing our love for one another in the way we would love to or maybe would like for ourselves. But that doesn't mean it is not there. The love and the concern are there, we just never know. And it would never show unless someone SHAREs it.

Just yesterday, I experienced again the overwhelming joy of knowing that I matter. Just a little piece of potential good news has begotten some joyful responses simply from everyone who heard it. The cheer and company in this celebration was totally unexpected - it is precious! The first sms greeting made me realise that the news is being shared... and mind you, it was only potential good news. I was a little worried then... as I would prefer to share it only after I can be 100% sure of the good news. Then I think again, Wow... everyone is rejoicing in celebration for me, and I should be the happiest person in the world. And truly, as I assess my heart, I am indeed very grateful at least I have people all around me who share the joy of new possibilities together with me. Not only so, now they are joining me in the Hope of this new possibility. That itself is precious.

As I think again, what started this realisation of 'I matter and people do love and care'? It was simply through Sharing. If we keep quiet and remote from the rest of the world, we will never realise that people around us actually do care and are interested and are together with us as we live life. If we don't share, how would anyone know? If we don tell, how would they get the opportunity to express their love? Never!!!

And I guess this is something every single human being struggle. We innately yearn and long for someone who knows us through and through, every single bit of our lives and every single thought and every single need that we have - without us saying it. But this is quite impossible for human being. We are not God and we need to be told in order to know. And it is impossible to live in another person's world.

Me!anie

Hehe hee... pretty flattering! Makes me feel good. =þ . What say you???