melanie's blog

Dis-Comfort

A word that kept me thinking after my previous entry was the word Discomfort. This is a word we often use when we are in a state of being tense and feeling pain. It is an uncomfortable feeling in some part of the body. Let's take a closer look at this word DIS - COMFORT.

DIS - is a prefix that means 1) Not 2) Undo, reverse, do the opposite
COMFORT means 1) A state of being relaxed and feeling no pain

Ironically we only hear complains about our discomfort when it arises, when our comfort was undone and reversed. Day to day, we never hear people giving thanks or even mention about their relaxed and painless state. Hardly do we ever realise that we are constantly in a state of comfort. Does it only take discomfort to make us realise the beauty of comfort that we always had? Have we taken the blessing of comfort for granted? I think I have. Wow.. this is a revelation!!!

I thank God for my comfort!!! Amen.

Horse Riding

went horse riding yesterday. never thought i could ever engage in these kind of physical activities again... but i did it!! and finished the whole course. Hahaha...

It was quite fun actually, i could still remember the first thought that came to mind when Daniel first posted the idea of horse riding. It was "Can i do it?, Can my hip handle the ride? but i really would like to give it a go! What should i say?" It was quite a fearful thought, the clear contradicting thoughts inside me, the fear of what will happen and the desire to try it. Even after i have decided to go for it, i was filled with fear, the fear of getting onto the horse, will my hip be flexible enough to get onto and sit comfortably on the saddle? I was quite worried. I knew at that point of time, all i needed was affirmation and encouragements from my friends who believed that i could do it... and i was never in lack of that!! =). Thanks to all especially for Yuli.

It was my first horse ride since a decade ago. After some help from Rinada the instructor and some interesting comments from Peter (the other instructor), i manage to get onto the horse, and my horse's name was Borris. He was HUGE and tall compared to all the other horses we've got for the day - and he was great too!! very tame and good. Instead of joining the rest trotting and attempting to canter, i took a slow walk with occasional trotting with Peter. I received special treatment and 1 to 1 attention.. HAHAHAHA.. attention seeker, which itself was great fun and a main source of strength. It was a great experience to learn how to control the horse and keep him happy. He was so cute, turning back to look at me just so that i could tap him and 'sayang' him... so cute!!

I remember clearly there were 2 specific incidents where i could have gave it all up and turn back. First one was before i took the slow walk option with Peter. I told him i was struggling a lil with my hip, we weren't even half way through (and i guess i wasn't actually doing it right). He said we could either turn back or we could take a slow walk down to the beach where everyone else was heading. There was a tear inside. My physical pain tells me that it would be better to head back and sit comfortably inside the car, yet the other part of me wanted to go ahead, not letting my physical disability stop me from doing something i really want to do. My mind wasn't in a position to give up.

"Go for the slow walk..." said Tim with the most affirming voice and facial expression - just what i needed to go ahead. So i went on, following closely behind Tim's horse Maverick who farts A LOT!! and very loud too! No wonder Borris was constantly turning away from Maverick's butt!

I found myself actually enjoying the ride, i learned to apply techniques to minimise the jerking and strain on my joint. The encouragements from Tim, Yuli, Peter and Kel proved helpful too! It was pleasurable and just chatting with Peter who helped me get my mind off the pain and discomfort. I actually began to really enjoy the ride and the wonderful experience of riding on a wild animal out in the nature. Finally, we got to the beach, the rest went on cantering (or should i say attempt to) while me and Min Hui followed Peter closer to the water. It was so fun!

on the way back, Peter asked me with him unique way and accent once again "How you doing there love? Do you want us to get a car to pick you, or you think you can make it back?"

Taking a deep breath, "I think i will make it back!!!" answered me with confidence and a desire to finish the ride. I could see the affirming smile once again on Tim's face. That brought much comfort and added strength to my faith. So there i went again, walking back enjoying the journey... It was a challenge and a struggle to keep myself comfortable on the saddle but i knew in my heart that i wanted to finish this ride; i will not be satisfied and would actually be disappointed with myself if i give up. With that thought in mind, i persevere and endured the pain. I can't deny the fact that i was actually a little worried and afraid of how am i gonna get down and what would happen then, and also making sure that i get good control of Borris so that i wouldn't fall. Liz and Min Hui fell on different occasions... i thought to myself, i can't afford to fall, it would just be too painful for my hip and I could die. I prayed to God to have mercy on me, and He did cover me with His love.

Now the exciting part came - getting down the horse. I was so scared and for 1 second, i thought that i could never do it and din want to try. I was that close to giving up. But then again, i have to get down right? I can't stay on Borris forever. Yuli and Rachel together with Rinada came to my rescue. Patiently, they helped me get down and i did it!!! Phew... that was a great relief. It is finished!!!

The feeling was incredible; i accomplished something that i have 'decided' that i cannot do. I proved myself wrong once again. As i think back, it is like the Spiritual Journey... i could not have done it or dare do it by myself. It was the encouragements and the beliefs of other people along the way that kept me going. We are meant to do it with other people...

Tim, Yuli, Kel, Liz, Rachel, and Min Hui, thanks for doing this together with me. I would not have done it otherwise.

Yuli, thanks for getting me on and off the horse
Tim, thanks for walking through it with me

And now, I just have to recover from it!! But it is all worth it… And I got sun burn too. I look like a lobster now… :-)

Birthday! Birthday! Birthday!

Birthday after birthdays!! This month is full with birthdays and people to celebrate. November... hehe.. Lets celebrate the fruit of our parents after a great night sometime in February!! (do i need to be more blunt?!) =) . Hahaha...

5 Nov Jon Chew
6 Nov Desmund Ang
8 Nov Minh Tan Le
9 Nov Uncle Bill Lee
11 Nov Ben Ng
12 Nov Brenda Ong
14 Nov Uncle T H Goh
14 Nov Dave Law
15 Nov Sarah Wong
16 Nov ME!!!
16 Nov Kelvin Khow
17 Nov Justin Dzau
19 Nov Elizabeth Ng
19 Nov Gregory Chang
24 Nov Vernon Chua
26 Nov Yuli Goh

Anymore who wants to join the club?? So fun!!!

You Know You're Malaysian When....

You complain about the quality of the pirated DVD you just purchased. "What, RM10 for DVD5?! Aiyah, boss ... sound no good, cheaperlah ..." You're willing to consume sambal petai and durian and gladly suffer the bloating and wind-breaking incidents. You're exceedingly polite to the Mat Sallehs but you slag your own kind. "Hello, sir. Why don't you sit here, it’s got the best view of the city skyline." But, "Aunty-ah, your table is over there next to the kitchen." You order Maggi goreng and fried chicken, complain about how oily the food is, and then proceed to finish it anyway. You love to talk about food. You're already thinking about what to have for dinner while eating lunch. "I'm stuffed. What shall we have for dinner?" You dive into a communal-style meal the moment the dish lands on the table only to hesitate at the last morsel of food on the serving dish. There are two possible explanations for this: the first is the pai seh (embarrassed) factor, while the other is the myth that the person who eats the last piece will be a spinster. You hit the accelerator the moment the first drop of rain hits your windshield. "Alamak, it's going to rain. Sure traffic jam one. I'd better drive faster." You seize the opportunity to make a U-turn anywhere ... especially where there is a sign telling you not to. Well, so long as the cops aren't in sight. You feel a burning desire to send text messages and even have the gall to give your friend a blow-by-blow account of the movie to your friend on the handphone — during the screening of the movie. "Okay, now that girl Lizzie is impersonating an Italian singer; she so doesn’t look Italian ..." You forsake your loved ones for the all-important four letter-word: S-A-L-E. "Sorry, mum, I can't take you to Aunt Mary’s because I have to go to MidValley before the crowd." You’re also more than happy to be part of the insane traffic jam that forms around malls during weekends and sale periods. 11. Reality shows Akademi Fantasia and Malaysian Idol dictate your social life. "What, no TV at the mamak? Count me out — I'm staying home. Rinie needs my support." You pepper every sentence with lah. "No-lah, I can't see you today-lah. I have to study-lah. You know-lah, the prison warden aka mak is watching me like a hawk" You fail to function normally without your daily dose of teh tarik and nasi lemak. You have owned at least one Proton in your lifetime. Cheap, cheap. That is until you start to make enough dough to buy that Honda you've been salivating over. You slow down at an accident site to take down the car number plate, but won't step out of your car to help — the victim could be a robber! You'd rather park your car along the main road outside the mall, where there's a yellow line, rather than pay RM1 to park inside where there are adequate bays. You plead, bat your eyelids and relate a sob story to the officer at the town council office to let you off the hook (or reduce the amount considerably) for the fine you incurred when you parked your car on the double line. You make an appointment for 10am and conveniently show up a half hour late — Malaysian time, what ... You pop open the wet tissue packet at the Chinese restaurant by squeezing the trapped air to the top of the packet before proceeding to smash your fist into it. The louder the pop the better. You greet your friend / neighbor / acquaintance on the street with "How are things?" or "Have you eaten?" or better yet, by stating the obvious: "Went to market ah?" Ramlee burger is the "piece de resistance" of your growing-up-years cuisine. You catch all major televised events at the mamak. You have roughly six meals a day (breakfast, mid-morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and supper). Then there's the snacking — keropok ikan, pisang goreng, muruku, jam tarts and the like. You get the whole family dressed to the nines, jump into the car and head for the minister's open house — and ask for styrofoam boxes and plastic bags to tar pau food. Your accent and language style vary according to the race of the person you are conversing with. You've got a friendly disposition. Smiles are abundant and your "Apa khabar?" is warm and sincere. You exclaim loudly how expensive everything is, even though the items may in fact be going for a steal. "Wah! So expensive, ah? Hak sei ngor (Scare me to death)!" You dig deep into your pockets to contribute to the latest appeal for donations in the newspapers. You "dis" our country all the time, but as soon as something good happens (like winning the Thomas Cup), you morph into a proud Malaysian. You never travel abroad without a bottle of chilli sauce, or sachets which you can sneak into restaurants. You're proud to be Malaysian - and you pass these jokes on to all your Malaysian friends!

Going Insane?

The alarm clock rang... (Yankee Doodle tunes)...

My first thought was: "Who and I? Where am I? Why is the alarm clock ringing?.. If the clock is ringing, it must mean that I have something important to do today. Is it Wednesday? Oh.. . yeah I am working today... But wait, Paul the solicitor hasn't call, and if it is Wednesday, I must have attended the Leaders meeting last night, but I can't seems to remember anything... So, it can't be Wednesday, today is Tuesday, Oh.. It is Melbourne Cup Day, Oh.. there is a Restless World Seminar, Oh.. there is a BBQ after that, and Oh, I am going with Nicole, and Oh.. i better call her now to confirm the time... Ok. Now that I get it, get out of bed."

That was exactly my thought process and it freaked me out!!! I had never woke up to myself feeling so dislocated, disconnected and disoriented. I do not know Who I am, Where I am, and Why I am... It is just like waking up to a completely strange environment and having to intentionally catch up with yesterday. It took me about 30 seconds to catch up with myself... What happened??? Am I going insane? You tell me.

I asked a Pastor, and a Doctor for their opinion and this is what i got:

Pastor Uncle Benny Ho: (With a compassionate look) "You must be very tired eh?... hmmm"

Doctor Lea Foo: "So you woke up feeling disoriented this morning...? I would not worry too much about it!! It is quite normal"

But but but but.. this is not normal for me... and I AM SO NOT SATISFIED!!

So the smart Mel went to ask my dear Pastor Doctor Friend about what he thinks, and this is what I got:

Pastor Doctor Tim Goh: "I think you are just going insane!!!" (Hahahaha.. very helpful.. just what I needed!!)

Nah... he then went on to say how my search and my question of defining myself, who am I, what am I called to be and redefining my purpose over the past months have now being intensified and captured into a moment in time by my dear Yankee Doodle Garfield alarm clock yesterday morning.

I have now reached a point of time where there is neither any Internal nor External cue that could help me define or know myself. There is no 'title' nor any 'professionalism' that I carry with my name, there is no 'responsibility' nor 'structured expectation' that is being imposed on me. I almost do not know who I am anymore... the question of "Who I am? What is my Purpose? What am I created for?' rings in my head constantly... and I guess what I am looking for now is the most important element of Knowing. A term called 'Cognisance' defined as: 1) Having knowledge of... 2) Range or scope of what is perceived... 3) Range of what one can know or understand...

This is a very different kind of knowing... it is the knowing of knowing, the knowledge and understanding beyond physicalities, the deep sense of recognition, as if something just hit home and you know that you know that you know... there is no need for physical evidence, just a little tint of Faith, with a little bit of Hope that springs from the Love that comes from above. This is what I am talking about. The deep sense of Cognisance to know Who I Am, and What I am created to be.

May I wake up every morning with Cognisance, full with Purpose and deep knowing of who I am, and that I may walk on this earth Love-Inspired, Hope-Filled and Faith-Empowered, walking and working with my Father .

No, I am not going insane... I am just on my Journey Home. And Home is where the Heart is.

~ My Dear Child...

By all means join the dance and sing the songs of a full life. At the same time, remember that you are a pilgrim. You are on your way to an eternal home which I have prepared for you. Enjoy the journey...