melanie's blog

Going Insane?

The alarm clock rang... (Yankee Doodle tunes)...

My first thought was: "Who and I? Where am I? Why is the alarm clock ringing?.. If the clock is ringing, it must mean that I have something important to do today. Is it Wednesday? Oh.. . yeah I am working today... But wait, Paul the solicitor hasn't call, and if it is Wednesday, I must have attended the Leaders meeting last night, but I can't seems to remember anything... So, it can't be Wednesday, today is Tuesday, Oh.. It is Melbourne Cup Day, Oh.. there is a Restless World Seminar, Oh.. there is a BBQ after that, and Oh, I am going with Nicole, and Oh.. i better call her now to confirm the time... Ok. Now that I get it, get out of bed."

That was exactly my thought process and it freaked me out!!! I had never woke up to myself feeling so dislocated, disconnected and disoriented. I do not know Who I am, Where I am, and Why I am... It is just like waking up to a completely strange environment and having to intentionally catch up with yesterday. It took me about 30 seconds to catch up with myself... What happened??? Am I going insane? You tell me.

I asked a Pastor, and a Doctor for their opinion and this is what i got:

Pastor Uncle Benny Ho: (With a compassionate look) "You must be very tired eh?... hmmm"

Doctor Lea Foo: "So you woke up feeling disoriented this morning...? I would not worry too much about it!! It is quite normal"

But but but but.. this is not normal for me... and I AM SO NOT SATISFIED!!

So the smart Mel went to ask my dear Pastor Doctor Friend about what he thinks, and this is what I got:

Pastor Doctor Tim Goh: "I think you are just going insane!!!" (Hahahaha.. very helpful.. just what I needed!!)

Nah... he then went on to say how my search and my question of defining myself, who am I, what am I called to be and redefining my purpose over the past months have now being intensified and captured into a moment in time by my dear Yankee Doodle Garfield alarm clock yesterday morning.

I have now reached a point of time where there is neither any Internal nor External cue that could help me define or know myself. There is no 'title' nor any 'professionalism' that I carry with my name, there is no 'responsibility' nor 'structured expectation' that is being imposed on me. I almost do not know who I am anymore... the question of "Who I am? What is my Purpose? What am I created for?' rings in my head constantly... and I guess what I am looking for now is the most important element of Knowing. A term called 'Cognisance' defined as: 1) Having knowledge of... 2) Range or scope of what is perceived... 3) Range of what one can know or understand...

This is a very different kind of knowing... it is the knowing of knowing, the knowledge and understanding beyond physicalities, the deep sense of recognition, as if something just hit home and you know that you know that you know... there is no need for physical evidence, just a little tint of Faith, with a little bit of Hope that springs from the Love that comes from above. This is what I am talking about. The deep sense of Cognisance to know Who I Am, and What I am created to be.

May I wake up every morning with Cognisance, full with Purpose and deep knowing of who I am, and that I may walk on this earth Love-Inspired, Hope-Filled and Faith-Empowered, walking and working with my Father .

No, I am not going insane... I am just on my Journey Home. And Home is where the Heart is.

~ My Dear Child...

By all means join the dance and sing the songs of a full life. At the same time, remember that you are a pilgrim. You are on your way to an eternal home which I have prepared for you. Enjoy the journey...

Posted by melanie at November 3, 2004 12:27 PM