melanie's blog

off to war

thats it my fren, i am off to war. see you all later when i return in victory!!!

actually, you guys are going with me anyway.. hahahaha

sob sob... i won't be 100% natural anymore.... =(

ok. don miss me too much... I'll be back!! soon

more thoughts on relationship

Since my last post on community, more thoughts have been forming in my head regarding the issues and practicalities in relationships - any relationships. Reflecting on my past experiences, my learnings, my expectations and disappointments with people, I have come to realize something very fundamental about relationships with one another. Love unites.

As every individual are uniquely crafted by God, each of us are different. We each have different needs, different ways of thinking and different weaknesses and strength. And most often than not, these differences in us become the cause of misunderstanding and conflict between human beings. For some reason still, the selfish or maybe the love-deprived side of us always have an ideal of how we want people to react and respond to us, an ideal on how we want other people to be. As the fact of the matter, it is easier to believe on the impossibility of that ideal.

As I reflect upon my relationships with people, what tears us apart and what brings us back together, what causes dissension and what brings healing. I can’t stop but marvel at the power of this great mystery, this mystery called love. It is not a concept or mere idea, love is a mystery that comes through experience and it takes a lifetime to understand it.

Jesus says “Love your neighbor as yourself” How hard is that? Being immersed in a community full of people, where there are so many different people with different needs, different ways of thinking, different weaknesses, different strengths, different personalities, different family background, different core values and different beliefs, I have found it hard to love at all times. So many times we step on each others’ toes, so many times we misunderstood each other, and so many times expectations were not met. I can’t count how many times I felt let down by people, and I wouldn’t know how many times I have let people down by my own peculiarity. It is almost a constant thing. But no matter how disappointed and how hurt I get, there is always a force that somehow covers all that hurt and disappointment and strife and blame… when we connect again, when we are able to see beyond the physicalities, and to see and know in our hearts what really matters. That is love.

Even more now as I am far away from my spiritual community, I have to admit that I have my own set of ideals on how I wish my community can support me through their structures and how I wish my friends to be. Whether or not these ideals and expectations are realistic, I somehow prefer not to venture into that chain of thoughts. With that disappointment I have, I have to learn to constantly remind myself that things have changed, the structures of our lives have changed, drastically, and I can’t expect certain things to stay the same as before.

It may be true that I don’t get to meet my community as often as I did, and I don’t get to share much of their lives, and inevitably, I loose some friends along the way. But since community is not about structures and not about a few people coming together to share life just because they so happen to be stuck in the same place at the same time, these friends are probably not worth keeping anyway. Community as I understand now, is about a heart connection, it can be helped by having structures and common activities, but won’t stand on structures alone. If there is nothing more that us meeting and doing things together, then we are missing the point.

What struck me hard this week is the strong love for me that still resides in the hearts of many in my community and my love for them – even those whom I thought I have lost. I have come to realize that even though we have not met for 6 months, some of which I have not kept in contact for more than 6 months, the connection we managed to foster while we shared life is still strong somewhere inside our hearts. Amidst all the changes, human weaknesses and imperfections, tight schedules, and non-contact…, our thoughts and love for each other is still tucked somewhere inside our hearts, unexpressed. When we do take time to remember each other or connect, there arise a strong heart to heart connection that ordinary acquaintanship is lack of. A simple and pure love for each other that still remain after striping away all the external motivating factors, or any existing structures or responsibilities that holds or somehow governs this type of care. It creates moments where we can come back and bring to mind of what we truly believe about this person, and somehow, physical distance and structural changes do not change any of these things. This love is strong enough to stand alone and brings unity.

It is a pity that the expression of this kind of love gets suppressed so much or rather, this kind of love is rare. Is it because of the reductionistic mindset that the current society has on love that has corrupted love and prevents people from experiencing the deeper meaning of love? Have we reduced love to mere sensual, something we can see, feel or touch? I do hope that we human beings can breakaway from that concept and truly embrace love in its purest form. For God is love and in Him we live and move and exist. May we find love, read love and express love everywhere we go. And as we continue to love, may our understanding of love be purified to its purest form.

On the quest of love…

1 Cor 13:4-8a
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails

Pro 10:23b - …love covers all transgression

community?

I guess one of the journey I have begun to take since the day I touched down in the land of Malaysia is the journey to discover the deeper meaning, the different dynamics of this widely used word, Community. Having experienced and come from a place where culture of community is so thick, and the concept of community is so widely practiced, I find that my understanding on this word is beginning to take a different form as I begin to explore the different facets of life in a different place.

Community. Do I even understand this word and how it works? Maybe I don’t.

Almost everyone I know like the concept of community, even more so for us who has come back from our Love-Inspired, Hope-Filled, Faith-Empowered, ACCF Community. There is something beautiful about it, and it stays in our heart so much so that each time we do gather together, our conversations always refer back to the ‘good o’ days’ when we were there. We will talk about the joy, the pain, the struggles, the wrestling, the learning, the growing, the fun, the mistakes, the times of conflict, all the way till the time of victory. All these were shared with the community, as a community.

What or who is this community anyway? Is it real? It doesn’t exist anymore, at least not in the way we remembered. What we carry in our hearts are memories of the past, memories of shared moments together with our community while we walked and journeyed together. But for now, everything has changed: the people, the journey, the relationships… We no longer live life together and it is hard to maintain the same kind of relationships as before. Another word, community as we previously understood, no longer exist for us, it is just a nice thought of what it was.

Was just catching up with Vernon and Steven the other day and guess what? We talked about ACCF Community again and how we miss it. When we seriously think about it, what we miss about ACCF no longer exist currently. So much has changed, people come and go, structures have changed, people have changed, relationships have changed. And frankly, we are not there to see for ourselves what ACCF has become. Hence, my previous comment about my community.

Terence once said that if we take out the names from a community, there will be no community no more. So if community is made up of people, and the people have changed, then what about community are we missing? It then posts a question of “Do we like the concept of community so much that we do not really want the community?” What is community then? Is it a group of people living life together, learning together, sharing together… doing everything together just because we so happen to be in the same place now?? Is it about me knowing everything about you and you knowing everything about me because we are stuck with each other? Then for us who have left, it is fair to say we do not belong to the ACCF community anymore – there is nothing that we share together anymore… except for the past memories.

I was told by some friends that ACCF no longer exist except in our minds now. We have changed name. Strangely, it has created some sort of separation. I don’t know how to put it to words but especially for us who has just left, it is hard to grasp that new identity. We will always be ACCFers. Those who are still there, they can be LECers or ex-ACCFers, but we will always be ACCFers. Once again, it makes me ache to accept the reality that the community that I left, no longer exist except in my memories.

In the midst of all these changes though, I am glad that through my 6 years involvement in the community, I have experienced another side of relationships - trustworthy and genuine. For me, they are probably what Terence termed ‘names’ in my community. Strangely, these names are not people whom I worked with in the community expect for like one or two. Though not many, these are my friends, these are individuals who grew with me, who see me live life and gave me support and love, and they are the ones who want nothing from me but embrace and except me just as I am. They are the ones whose love for me has not changed. For them, I would gladly say, these are my friends and I do hope that for every relationship formed within a community, be it grounded by love that never change.

crowded

I think I am come to a state where I myself am pretty troubled or even amused by my own emotional instability. Not sure if it is just emotional. I think it is everything: psychological, mental, emotional, physical, and I will not at all be surprised, spiritual. There are just so much that is crowding my mind, my heart, my thoughts:

- the 500 changes to make that resulted from that 101th change that they want to make to the existing reporting system
- the never-ending stuff ups that I have to fix over and over again
- the voice of people asking me why is this not working and why is that not doing that when they actually stuffed the formulation
- the phone that never stops ringing
- colleague who asked me where is that file of hers that she saved under some unknown name under some unknown folder in her laptop
- a 96 year old grandpa who is now in hospital
- disturbing situations that makes my heart ache
- the surgery and the pain that I will be experiencing in less than a month’s time
- the stairs at home and how will I get around for 6 months
- the commode that I need to get for my toilet seat
- the walker I need to get
- the cheque that I need to issue to Johnson & Johnson for my prosthesis
- bringing my car for servicing when I won’t be able to drive for 6 months
- pack and emptying my room by the end of this week
- how to get to UH for admission on the 21st and on 25th
- the long 3 hours drive from UH after surgery back to Kluang
- the subsequent consultation
- the evolving thought forming in my heart regarding the reality of community
- my restlessness
- how to pick up my medication in Seremban and when to actually go pick it up
- the arrogant colleague who shouted at me
- that journal that I have not touched for a while now
- the disconnectedness of my heart with my routine
- that ebay that refused to let me make my bid
- the reality of my friendships and relationships that seems so vague and of the past
- the lack of purpose in me and the me who failed to stay inspired
- the room that needs some cleaning
- the picture I need to submit to hansaplast by the 15th
- this annoying guy who annoys me almost all the time and me trying to be nice
- the knowledge of all these crowding my mind yet unable to do anything about it

I think I am just disconnected.

yuchun's wedding

Last Saturday was the day… our dear friends Yuchun & Sophia got married. For some of you who missed it, here are some pics for your enjoyment. I am sure the JYG will put up better photos and a more comprehensive story on their blog, when they get around to it…

The ceremony in the morning at Holiday Villa:

Kanchong Yuchun and his bestmen



Reception dinner at Sunway Resort Hotel:

something more

"Everything's changed, and I want to believe
There must be a reason, there just has to be
Cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
And it's not enough for me to trust
When it hurts too much

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

Where is the power, to give what I gave
Give back the strength
Give back the faith I had yesterday
Cause you are my God
You are my Great I Am
And I know I have fallen but..
I have landed in healing hands

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I need to praise You
For I am Yours, I'm Yours

And in my fraility, you lead me to something more
So I close my eyes, cause inside my heart
I believe, that I'm not alone
You'll always be there for me

On the days I feel like I've failed you
The days I feel I've been failed
I know that I need to praise You
For I am yours, still yours
Cause I believe you lead me to something more
Something more, something more..."

-by Kristy Starling

the righteous shall prevail

I wonder why people can be so arrogant, so full of themselves even when they have made a mistake… sigh. Had an experienced that really put my patience and anger to the test. Received a phone call from Institut Jantung Negara (National Institute of Cardiology) regarding a mis-match of our pricing on the invoice from our quotation.

As the person who prepared the quotation, naturally I rang up lady Y from the finance department who did the invoice for some clarification, just in case I made a mistake. I left a message as she was in her boss’ room, to call me back. She didn’t.

I rang her back and the first sentence she told me was “So why are you calling us?” I told her about the price difference and she said something really rude that I almost lost it “Who is your boss? Can you please speak to him, make sure you know the whole process before you come and talk to us?!!” I totally did not expect that to come out from anyone’s mouth… I kept quiet thinking to myself that such arrogant people actually exist. Well, I then explained to her that this was the procedure that was showed to me and I did actually obtained the latest price from the person-in-charge. She told me to gather whatever documents I can, and come up to ‘learn the system’ from another girl. She obviously thought that I was stupid.

I gathered all the documents I could, including the one stating the price, addressed to her and with her signature. I went up, politely asked if she could help me to rectify a mistake made on one of our invoice to the hospital. Rudely she replied “So whose mistake is it now? Whose mistake???!!!’ Oh man.. can you believe it?!!! I collected myself and said that I wasn’t sure but we will find out.

The moment I produced the documents to her, I could see her face trembling, doubting herself. One by one I showed her, most importantly the one with her own signature. It was so right on her face that she made a mistake even though she tried so hard to cover up. Oh well, we know it too well that whose mistake it was… I didn’t have to spell it out - even though I was so tempted to ask her on my way out “So, whose mistake was it??”

But what I did say was: ‘Ok, I think I would have to call the Hospital and apologize’.

Still my principle, do to others as you would have want them done to you.