melanie's blog

today

It is just another ordinary day, woke up at about 10am after a 6 hour sleep. Took my shower, ate my breakfast, and did all that I have set my heart to do this morning. Was going to go over to grandpa’s but something stopped me – my crowded mind, and that time bomb which arrived yesterday in my mailbox, which requires proper handling lest it explodes on me. Before I knew it, I fell asleep on my bed again, and I know it well that it is my way to escape.

Was woken up by mum at 4pm when she came back to change to the other car to drive outstation. She got a bit worried when found me sleeping and it got worse when she realized I have not had my lunch. She asked if I was not feeling well and told me to get up and eat something. She then left again…

I woke up, had something to eat and was going to go back upstairs to my room and rot. It was raining and for some reason, I have decided to open the front door to see if there is anything in the mailbox. From a distance, I saw nothing inside the mailbox. Just when I was turning back to close the door, I caught something in the corner of my eyes. There were 2 parcels on top of my gate and they were getting drenched by the second. Immediately I got very excited… I knew those parcels were for me =) I ran out and quickly took them in. I was right, it was for me and to my delight, they were from Amazon. How exciting…

I knew who they were from and kinda guessed what is inside. Who else and what else?? How touching. I opened both the parcels and there it was, a Two Volume Set of D.A Carson’s ‘For the Love of God: A Daily Companion for Discovering the Riches of God’s Word’ accompanied by two beautiful messages that wrote:

Hi Meli, Happy 25th Birthday!! For a deep soul like yours, I can’t help but think that you will like this very much. May you drink deep, my friend!! Love, Steph Chan

Happy Birthday! May this year be filled with much joy, like-minded friends & great food!! In faith, may your new job resonate deeply with your heart! Love, Steph Chan

Awww… I looked at these books and was suddenly filled shame… a feeling that I have let my friends down. I am the only person other than the all-knowing God who knows all that is going on inside me: How indifferent and how cynical I have become? How powerless I feel? How isolated and disconnected I am? And to top it off, how complacent and unambitious I am becoming?

This surprise comes as a stark reminder and a wake up call to my loneliness and self-isolation. While the love and the faith and the hope of my friends for me increases by the day, and as they faithfully hold me up to the Father in hope, believing the best in me, I have allowed myself to sink into sin and meaninglessness. I have let them down.

It will take me 2 years to go through both volumes but I hope the message of love and faith and hope it brings will last eternally and guard that precious mustard seed inside me.

It has made my day! Thanks Steph

what are your thoughts?

Do you think ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ or is it ‘out of sight out of mind’?

Here is mine:

In no doubt, absence does make the heart grow fonder. This usually applies to close and genuine relationships we see in families, between 2 lovers and between some precious friendships that are not bound by mutual manipulation. When two or more people in close relationships were force to be separated from a common sphere of living, each party will in no exception suffers some kind of lost both emotionally and psychologically. The pain would be intense and the heart will grow fonder each moment they bring into remembrance the other person.

This kind of fondness is usually founded on what is/was common between the two parties and for most such relationships, precious memories they shared together in the past and maybe for a few who still make the effort, the present. As two parties are not living and sharing life under the same kind of structure and environment, each party is living their own live in their own world completely different from the other. As it turns out, the things they share in common become lesser and lesser unless both make the effort to share as much as they can despite the distance. However true it is, how much can one really feel and be involved when all that was told and made known to him were mere interpretations or another’s mind? One has got no active participation in another’s story and what he hears might not be all that interesting and meaningful unless otherwise. Is there a point then? What worse will it be when there is no communications between the two? It is the same as excluding another person from your life. What fondness??

In the midst of this post-postmodernism era where everyone is ‘busy’ making their life work and preoccupied with all that is in their world, how often do we take time to bring into remembrance people and relationships outside what we see everyday? Not much time at all actually… Maybe, at times when it is convenient to us or when we so happened to see a bookmark from this old friend inside an old book. It is still a thought, fond thoughts full of memories of what we once shared, but not much of the present. All we can do at that moment is just to say our best prayer for them wherever they are.

If the fondness we feel gets reduced overtime, it is not hard to imagine the truth in the statement: out of sight out of mind. After all, how many times did we suddenly remember another person or some things we needed to do for them when we see them personally or the things that associate with them? Seeing is remembering.

Personally, I believe that presence makes the heart grow fonder. The more we see another person and the more we share our lives together, the harder it is to leave, the harder it is to forget or ignore; and the opposite is true. Take family for example. When we are far away from our family, when what we share with them is just a few conversations here and there over the phone with nothing much of a substance and reflective of what is truly happening, we hardly get to relate and participate in the lives of our family. The attachment to the family is much lesser than that when we are living with them. When we are far and detached, it is always easier to want to go further and go about making plans without giving much thought to our family. It is easy to keep going further and further without thinking of coming back to be with the family.

But when a family is together, the bond is strong. We share all things in common, all pain, all joys, all celebrations and all struggles. Every bit of each family member is shared together. We are actively involved in each other’s life and walking the journey with them. In a situation like this, when we are much closer to our family and when we see and share our lives together, it is much harder to want to leave. It is as if that there is some kind of responsibility involved here. This is a thought you will never understand unless you have gone away and come back, and probably struggling to leave again.

1/4 x 100

I officially became a quarter-centurion last Wednesday. It was a big line I have crossed. Hmmm… Feeling a little old. Since my last birthday, I have moved country once, between 3 cities and 4 houses; drove a total of 7 different cars for 9351 kilometers; had 1 job and tendered 1 resignation; been to 4 different hospitals and had 1 surgery done. What was the last year all about?

It was a year of transition, a year of change, and a year of rest. I wouldn’t say I have accomplished much, but I have learnt the great pain and sorrow when one suffers loss. I have learnt and am still learning to adapt to change, to accept the things I cannot change and to befriend the painful reality that comes with growing up. In the midst of all these, it has been a challenge and struggle to keep my eyes hopeful and my faith centered.

It was dark and it just gets darker. But then, just as it was pitch black, it turned out to be the best time and place for the Light to exhibit its brightness. Just when it couldn’t get any worse, it proved to be the best condition to learn the unforced rhythm of grace. Just when everything is beyond my comprehension and control, when my suffering had reached a peak, a gift from Heaven was bestowed upon me – my new hip. It was a gift I have been asking for and there wouldn’t be a more perfect time for its arrival. I have accepted the gift with much thanksgiving. And now, and for the years to come, it is gonna rock!!

The mode of celebration lasted for a week with well wishes, thanksgiving and prayers, gifts, meals and the precious gift of time from friends and family across 4 cities. On the actual day, a dear friend arrived in town and we spent an eventful two days in Kluang eating and finding more good food to eat. It just continued and got better through the week. Managed to spend a few days with Keryn before she heads back to Melbourne this Saturday, and finally for Jon and Greg to visit the much raved about Kluang Station!! (though it is not as good as the original!)

It was a year worth living and an experience worth celebrating. What will happen next, I have a feeling that I might become a second class resident all over again. But then, it is all up to me to choose. Will see if I will be prepared to leave my Second-Class-Citizen Status to embrace the new identity of a Second-Class-Resident in another country! Is this another birthday present in disguise? Only God knows.

Celebrate!

women and their OKs

Guy: How are you darling?
Gal: OK

Hahaha… so what does this OK really mean? Do you guys know???
Here are some interpretations for you thanks to Michelle Hickford. Found it quite interesting. What do all you guys and gals out there think?

Okay -- Quick and to the point, this generally has no double meaning, particularly if she follows it up with another question or thought as in this example: "Okay. Hey would you mind stopping by the store on the way over here and picking up some groceries and my dry cleaning?"

OH-kay -- Upward emphasis on the "oh" which means "I’m not really OK, but I want you to use your very intense powers of ESP to figure out what’s bothering me. If you REALLY loved me, you’d instantly know what’s bothering me and further, understand that what I need is a hug/backrub/new pair of shoes." This is your cue to ask further questions in a nurturing way and show great interest. You’re not necessarily at fault here... unless you don’t take the cue.

Oooooooooooh-kaaaaaaaaay -- A very long drawn-out OK probably in tandem with a heavy sigh. Not a good sign. This means "To be honest, I'm really bored with you at the moment and I can’t be bothered to tell you why and anyway, you probably wouldn’t listen (you hardly ever do) so just leave me alone and you can go off and do man things. I might feel better later."

O-kaaaaaaaaay -- The second syllable is drawn out and melodic, but there is no sweet music in this one. This means "It's about TIME you asked me about my feelings, because I’ve been stewing over this particular issue for some time and now you’ve finally given me a window of opportunity, you cretin."

Fine -- Ooh, this is the scariest one of all. A firm "fine" means you’re REALLY in the doghouse. It means, "Yeah, right I’m FINE after everything you said to me/the mess you left in the bathroom/our last argument/the fact that you forgot my birthday/the way you looked at that other woman." Just apologize and get it over with!

Pictures

I have spent the last few days digging out all of my mum’s over 40 years worth of old photographs and re-organizing them into albums. It is so true that a picture paints a thousand words. After looking through nearly a thousand of those photographs, the story of my mother’s life flashed before me. I saw her childhood, the clothes she used to wear, the house she used to live in, the kind of life she led, the faces of people who journeyed with her, some of which I could recognize and some whose faces are absent from my memory.

From those photographs, the story of my mother’s life unfolded right in front of my eyes. It dawned on me that my mum was once a kid, she was once a teenager and she was once a young adult – just like me. Maybe for me, this thought never actually meant anything to me because I was never part of her story up till after I was born. I never gave any serious thought to her life before my existence, how her life was when she was a teenager or how she was like when she was dating. To me, mum has always been a mum and the mum I know in my mind is a mum whose story began only after she got me. With great ignorance, I have so conveniently discounted her experience as a person growing up from young.

Those photos revealed to me the story of a person whom I thought I knew. It showed me the different chapters of her life, some of which I was vaguely told and some that was kept secret. Those photographs invited me on a tour on mum’s life and like many other tours, it has helped me to see, to find more pieces that makes the story of my mum’s life and allowed me to put together all the pieces of mum that my mind knows. Mum grew up from a baby just like me and today I suddenly realized that her story did not start after I was born. There are so much that I do not know. Looking at my journey up till today, at the age still younger than mum when she got me, I can’t imagine how it was like for her when she was like me. It has aroused a sense of curiosity in me. There is so much of my mum that I do not know.

Here are some gems I found:

Deeparaya Holiday

It is Sunday again and everything is now back to normal. Last week was the long holiday for Malaysia. The Indians celebrated their Deepavali on Tuesday and Malays, Hari Raya on Thursday and Friday. Both my sisters and many of my cousins took Monday and Wednesday off and came back for the whole week. It was so fun and so good to have everyone home again. But then again, good times like this always pass on too quickly.

It has been so long since all 4 of us get to be at home together for such a long period of time. It was good and precious. We get to do things together and spent a lot of time at Grandpa's keeping grandpa company, catching up with cousins and playing with the kids and babies there. What did we do for the whole week? Nothing much really. Had a memorial service for my late grandma, ate a lot, laughed a lot, talked a lot, slept a lot, erm... that's about it.

Even though Malaysia is a multi racial society, none of us in the family went home visiting either to the Indians or Malays during this festive season. Actually for all of us, we do not have Indian or Malay friend whom we can visit.. Hahahaha. Quite sad eh? Oh well... that's the reality with most people here anyway. We are still racist to a certain extent.

Now that is is all over, i am now the only child at home again. Not complaining, but it gets a bit lonely at times.

Angel of Healing

Thanks Vern. Love it!

for the first time

For the first time in 3 months, I drove myself around the City of Kuala Lumpur, I went out to the shops, I supported another person physically, I shifted the furniture at home, I sat on a chair without an extra supporting cushion, I baked my Sticky Date Pudding, I made another cheesecake, I cooked another person a meal, I went without painkillers, I kissed my grandpa, I walked unaided, and…

For the first time in 3 months, I attended a church service. It was probably my first Chinese Presbyterian Church Service in more than 10 years, and it was held in my beloved grandfather’s home. It was a memorial service for my late grandmother who passed away 5 years ago. There was nothing spectacular about the setup of the service. No fancy equipments, no super talented musicians, no overhead projector, no backup vocals, no stage lightings, no super-spiritual worship leader. All we had was a middle-age uncle with a small portable amplifier with another middle-age uncle with a thick black plastic frame glasses on the keyboard. It was a traditional church service and there were almost no communications with the congregation except for the occasional “Please turn to hymn No. So and so” in between the hymns we sang. The volume of the amplifier and keyboard was so high that I couldn’t tell if anyone else other than the worship leader was singing until suddenly, the amplifier fell to the ground and I heard singings from the congregation. And of course I wasn’t singing. I couldn’t read a word on that hymn book.

I was sitting at the side of the hall with the rest of my family. Even though this service is way different from what I am used to and a little too ‘traditional’ for my liking, there is a strange sense of comfort and joy. Even though I couldn’t join in the singing and had to listen extra carefully to try to catch the words, the singing of the hymns brought much comfort to my soul. I can’t recall the last time the whole family came together and attended a church service. And this time, to have this service right in our own house, it has brought much encouragement to my heart and reminded me that God is the head of this family. When the hymns were being sung, I looked around and saw faces of my family members whom I loved. My heart was filled with a sense of peace and joy seeing the whole family, for a moment in time, putting away all conflicts, misunderstandings and personal grudges to come together focusing our attention and giving space to something much bigger than ourselves. I said a prayer for the family. We need to be at peace with God and with one another - it is the same peace Jesus left us with before He ascended to Heaven.

The message was surprisingly good and thought provoking. He spoke about end times and earthquakes. He likens earthquakes to that of birth pangs where the frequency of its occurrence depicts the arrival of something new or maybe the end of something. He warned us about the urgency of time and led us into answering some tough questions hidden deep inside everyone’s heart. Questions like “Why did He allow earthquakes to happen?”, “What have these earthquakes and natural disasters show us?”, and the central question of “In the midst of all these sufferings, do I have a Hope?” I would say he did a good job in structuring and delivering this message to his specific target audience – my mostly non-believer family. I do not know how many of them actually paid attention and listened to the message. I can only hope and pray that the seed of eternity has been planted in each of their heart and is on its way to be reaped.