So much has happened and so many different things to write about if I wanted to… thanks to the lack of consistency. Now if I were to process each of them, it will take a long time to finish this entry. I shall write some and leave some for later.
Human relationships are quite scary if you think about it. The more you interact with others, the more you expose of yourself. I have crossed over to this country just over a year ago. New friends, new colleagues, new community – new relationships. As time passes, friendship develops and inevitably I find myself spending more time with them, doing different things together and at the same time exposing more of my weaknesses and inability. I can’t quite describe the feeling but I shall try. It’s not the best feeling one gets, it’s those that question your security and self esteem.
It may help to give a little bit of context. If you know me, you know that there are certain lifestyle changes I have had to make and certain restrictions I have had imposed on myself due to certain physical limitation. The feeling of despair and the need to cover-up has long left me since I was immersed in a well-loving community of friends and family. They knew me and they know how to support me. As I stepped out into a new country all by myself, away from my community and family, I was pushed out of my comfort zone. I have to meet new people, and these people do not know me. They have to get to know me and be shocked by the many things that I now cannot do. It was just 2 Saturdays ago when my new cell decided to take a morning out to Sentosa. I love beaches, but I have my restrictions too. Throughout the day, physically and conversationally, I was reminded again and again of the things that I now cannot do. I find myself exposing my weaknesses one by one, and being confronted by the things I have to give up, the lifestyle changes I have had to make. I felt the shame and the need to cover-up when one is being stripped naked layer by layer. You know, even simple little things like picking up the Frisbee is a challenge to me.
Is this the only way to build relationships? Why can’t I just stay with those who already know me? It’s not the best feeling to go through this all over again but I guess relationship is built when we are not afraid to expose who we really are and allowing others to love who we truly are. But…. This is painful and I am not sure if I am secure enough. Do I choose to expose or do I choose to cover up? God help me.