as i take on the posture of Hannah, a women crying in her afflictions and barrenness, what am i asking for? 2 things... very clearly.
1. I ask that my wheels to be turned. Something in me wants to breakout, to break forth into the new. I somehow know how it looks like yet i can't be sure, there is a drawing there and I am reaching forward to it. I want the wheels of my life to be turned, starting from the first one affecting the rest causing a major difference in my world. Somehow I feel disabled, unable to reach forward or should i say that I am not sure what steps to take. I desire, yet i feel powerless, walking each day the mediocre way, doing the things i do and do them well. There is a dissatisfaction... I want to be immersed and consumed by His passion, a passion strong enough to cause my being into focus and purpose. I want to be effective, I want to be contagious and I want to be alive. As i ask, God hears and will bring into clarity the vision and purpose for this season.
2. I ask for the restorative power of God to work in and through me. Its a constant battle i fight and am still fighting. I want a restored body. A body free from disease and curse, a body free to dance, free to run and free to worship. Every single cells in my body, every single pathway and every single mechanism to obey the law of His Purpose through Creation. I ask for healing, miraculous healing of the body so that the name of the Father may be glorified.
I want to be impregnated with my own King Samuel... an offspring who brings healing to the nations... restoring His Kingdom and Glory to His Name. God, hear my prayers.
Amen.
sigh... i think its one of those times again when i am found a little disheartened after being bombarded with confrontations on my disability, limitations, and weaknesses. It seems as if everywhere i go, i am surrounded by people who loves extreme sports and high impact physical activities. How i wish i can be like them sometimes... actually most of the times, just that sometimes the desire and the impact of the knowing is not as overwhelming as when the spirit is weak. It is my flesh then??? haha.
For the last few weeks, for some reason, everyone is suddenly crazy about sports and physical activities beyond my capacity. They go running, rollerblading, hiking, mountain climbing, wakeboarding, skiing,.. etc. All i can say to myself is "it's ok Mel, those are things that you know you cannot do, you are protecting your body by following the sign your body is showing.You just have to say 'no', go home, do something else that you can and enjoy doing". Oftentimes i have to kill the adventurous part of myself that wants to try all these things and enjoy the adrenalin rush. I had to stop myself from even entertaining the thoughts of doing them, for the fear and tendency of going into self despair and pity. I just have to kill it sometimes.
Its not always easy to say 'NO' with a complete confidence and self assurance. Yes i like spending time alone yet sometimes when i say 'no' and go away, i am not sure if i really would like to go home or do i just not have the luxury of having the option of joining them. The line is always blur. I sometimes do not have the choice but to sadly decline. Its a constant struggle and something i battle with - to be confronted by my own disability and helplessness.
While there is an internal battle to be fought, it doesn't really help to have some 'less understanding' friends. As hard as it is already to put away the desire, sometimes the looks, comments (unpleasant) and the imposed expectations from your 'less understanding' friends add on like a double whammy. You politely decline and they try all sort of things to persuade you to come. Some of them do not know you can't do it, some know yet think you are faking it, some know you really cannot do it yet would like you to come and watch them do, some just want to include you out of their interest for you. I appreciate their thoughts (latter).... but what they do not know is the internal battle and the strength i need to overcome. On one side, i need to battle with my own disability and insecurity. Secondly, I need strength to kill that side of me and say no, i cannot do it. Thirdly, you want me, while enduring the pain and discouragement of not being able to join in, and watch you do it? There are times that i am strong enough to brace myself, tag along and enjoy the fellowship and fun, but there are also times when i am weak, especially when its happening every other day or when my body is not up for it. I was challenged and feeling it hard. It doesn't help that in times like these, your friends make certain remarks about you going into hiding and labeled you as 'anti-social' or maybe certain other judgement that you are not living in the spirit. Give me a break!
Do i not have a choice in this? I know i do. I have a choice to not feel that way.. but somehow, i fail at times, especially when i loose perspective. I know that with all the things that was taken away from me, much else has been given to me. I may not have the ability or the freedom to do all these things that i wish i can, life is not just about that. Many other things has been graciously given to me, different gifts and talents, different strength and different role and purpose to fulfil. I may enjoy life in other ways and live a fruitful life.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.