As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?
Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again
He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found
That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again
It was during my train ride back that I finally got the space and chance to be alone to hear the gentle knocking of God’s whisper into my slightly troubled heart. The doctor is as usual capable of inducing the feeling of alarmed and unrest into the already burdened soul. Not to shift the blame to them, they were just revealing the facts from what those tests are showing and doing their best to help mend the broken body. Lupus is found active.
John 9:1-3
1As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.
2And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
3Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
John 11:1-4
1Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha.
2It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.
3So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick."
4But when Jesus heard this, He said, "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it."
…... it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
…... it was so for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.
These thoughts kept running through my mind. I know God, you are telling me something and I need to commune with you. As the music played in my iPod and I gazed upon the greens out of the window, I was reminded of the greatness and love of You, my Creator God, and my love for You.
It has always been my prayer for Your works to be displayed in me and for the Son of God to be glorified through this situation I am in. In both recorded events, both the sick were miraculously healed and restored by the authority and power Jesus carries. Their health were restored, they regained life and many were blessed. I want that too. You know the desire of my heart. I want to be healed, to be restored and to divorce away from this medical burden. I ask and I dare ask for specifics. I asked and am still asking that my Lupus will go away; that my body will not reject itself, that every cells and every single strand of coding DNA will be restored to its function at the time of Creation, fulfilling its rightful purpose. I asked that my hip joints would be restored, side effects of the steroid would be reversed, that there would be enough blood supply into that part of my body supplying enough oxygen for the bone cells to propagate and regenerate. I don't want to go through another round of surgery. I even dare believe and ask that the prosthesis on my right hip to be turned into flesh and bones once again. “Ask and you shall receive” you said and I know You are able to do far more abundantly beyond all that I can ask or imagine, according to the power that works within me. These are my desires and my asks.
But ultimately, my deepest desire and prayer is so that Your will be done and that Your name may be glorified through situations in my life. I do not and may never know the full extent of your workings in my life and how my life situations may influence or affect others around me. I may want my problems to be solved through a miraculous healing which I believe You can do, and I know through that, many will be blessed, rejoicing with me and become witness of Your restorative power and authority, but I also know that when I present my sickness and life unto Your hands through prayer, it has been made good - sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer. I know many saw the way You worked in my life and were at some points encouraged by what they see. I do hope that through my suffering (in and with Christ), I may bless others and bring glory to Your name.
He who believes in You, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" As the river never knows where it will flow to, I do not know the extent of where my Source will lead me to. I have present my asks and petitions over and over again to You my Lord, hear my plead and prayers. I desire and want my miraculous healing, but what I desire and want most is that Your works be displayed through me and Your name be glorified in whatever situations Your bring me. I trust and believe that You hear my prayers, You know what is the Best Gift for me, You will never leave me nor forsake me and You will never cause me to stumble beyond what I can bear. To die is gain and to live is Christ. I surrender everything and all that I am unto You. Show me the way to live and lead me in Your way everlasting. Amen.