The funeral is over, everything seems to be back to the normal routine, and I thought I coped better than expected.. but is it really?
I think the reality of grandpa passing is only just beginning to hit me. The last week in Kluang was powered by the constant presence, unity and strength that my family of 83+2 exerted. It was heart breaking yet there was an unspeakable unity and comfort when all of us from all over the place gathered together, in memory and commemoration of our beloved father/grandfather/great-grandfather who lived a hundred years. There were lots of flowers, mourners, friends, relatives, heart cries, laughter, feasting, catching up with each other, but most of all, the unity and strength in us as YapClan, the descendants of this respectable man called Yap Tai Pit. The whole procession went smooth and after a good 5 days, everyone was back to their normal routine.
And I am now back in Singapore, with sadness and grief, back to my normal routine and work. I thought I surprised myself thinking that I am coping better than I had ever expected. Not until last night. I finally broke down. (If you think I was bad in Kluang, don’t try to imagine). For the whole night, my eyes couldn’t stop tearing. My heart was grieving and I was sobbing. The mental image of grandpa and the fond memories of him kept playing in my mind.
Videos of him in every part of my life since childhood kept playing. I recalled how he would shield me from mum’s caning; how he would come into the room with milk bottles every morning to feed me and my sis; how he would fetch me from school after my CCA; how he would wake me up every morning to eat the breakfast he bought specially for me from Pasar; how we would bring all of us to Pasar, feed us with whatever we want to eat/drink (softdrinks to be precise) even though it was forbidden by our parents. I also recalled the Teh-O, the saucer and the Kopi-O he always drink; and how he would buy every single printed newspaper every morning and read them all. Did I forget to mention the ‘never-run-out-free-for-all’ tit-bit store he runs in his room?
I will always remember how he rushed to my house with ice-cream after I reported to him of my PMR results and the pride and joy in him when he told me ‘Ke luan ya si u gao tack chek er, bian ke ga ka lang por’ (translates to: Kluang also got scholar, no need to go all the way to KL). Mike Ko is right. He was someone who placed high emphasis on education. He rejoiced and encouraged all his descendants to pursue education, you can tell by that special wall in our home. I am glad that before he left to go home, he witnessed the latest addition of Junnie to the line of graduates.
These are just a small part of my captured memories of grandpa and what we shared. He was a very significant person in every facet of my life. He taught me many things and I would choose to believe that I am his favourite (sorry Mike Ko, I think I took over your self assumed role the moment you turned adult (just when I was born)). :-)
One thing I learned about grandpa just last week was his determination to live on. We all knew Gong went through a few surgeries through his lifetime. But Berd Ko, in re-telling a story told by his mother (Lu Mama) revealed to me what a man of great determination Gong was. After being diagnosed with colon cancer, he went through a surgery with an apparent survival rate of 5% over the next 5 year. The surgery took place before Chinese New Year and so he was recuperating at home during Chinese New Year when everyone came back to his U-shaped home to celebrate. One mid-night when he opened his room door to go to the loo, what greeted him was the sight of all of us, his grandchildren, one next to another sleeping on the floor in his living room. It was a moment of epiphany for him. It dawned on him that we, his family, his descendants are his wealth and from that night onwards, he was determined to live on for as long as he could live. Lo and behold, he lived on for another 20 years. Stuff medical statistics!!
Going back to Kluang will never be the same again. There will be no more reason to go back to his house, and when I do go back, I won’t get to see him sitting on his blue throne greeting me as I walk into the house, there won’t be anyone whom I can called Ah Gong to and when I walk into his room, there won’t be him sleeping on his bed. Everything will be different now. While everything has changed, nothing has changed in my heart. He continues to live on in my heart and in the hearts of all of us who called ourselves his own. He will always live on as his legacy continues in and through us. He has done what he has to do on earth and we the living shall continue to live on, stand up again to do our grandpa proud.
I have a dream but don’t think it will ever come to pass now. I had always wanted grandpa to witness my wedding :-( and I am not even close. Sigh…
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
I’ve never been more homesick than now
I love you Kong, till we meet again… at home