I think the reality of grandpa passing is only just beginning to hit me. The last week in Kluang was powered by the constant presence, unity and strength that my family of 83+2 exerted. It was heart breaking yet there was an unspeakable unity and comfort when all of us from all over the place gathered together, in memory and commemoration of our beloved father/grandfather/great-grandfather who lived a hundred years. There were lots of flowers, mourners, friends, relatives, heart cries, laughter, feasting, catching up with each other, but most of all, the unity and strength in us as YapClan, the descendants of this respectable man called Yap Tai Pit. The whole procession went smooth and after a good 5 days, everyone was back to their normal routine.

And I am now back in Singapore, with sadness and grief, back to my normal routine and work. I thought I surprised myself thinking that I am coping better than I had ever expected. Not until last night. I finally broke down. (If you think I was bad in Kluang, don’t try to imagine). For the whole night, my eyes couldn’t stop tearing. My heart was grieving and I was sobbing. The mental image of grandpa and the fond memories of him kept playing in my mind.

Videos of him in every part of my life since childhood kept playing. I recalled how he would shield me from mum’s caning; how he would come into the room with milk bottles every morning to feed me and my sis; how he would fetch me from school after my CCA; how he would wake me up every morning to eat the breakfast he bought specially for me from Pasar; how we would bring all of us to Pasar, feed us with whatever we want to eat/drink (softdrinks to be precise) even though it was forbidden by our parents. I also recalled the Teh-O, the saucer and the Kopi-O he always drink; and how he would buy every single printed newspaper every morning and read them all. Did I forget to mention the ‘never-run-out-free-for-all’ tit-bit store he runs in his room?

I will always remember how he rushed to my house with ice-cream after I reported to him of my PMR results and the pride and joy in him when he told me ‘Ke luan ya si u gao tack chek er, bian ke ga ka lang por’ (translates to: Kluang also got scholar, no need to go all the way to KL). Mike Ko is right. He was someone who placed high emphasis on education. He rejoiced and encouraged all his descendants to pursue education, you can tell by that special wall in our home. I am glad that before he left to go home, he witnessed the latest addition of Junnie to the line of graduates.

These are just a small part of my captured memories of grandpa and what we shared. He was a very significant person in every facet of my life. He taught me many things and I would choose to believe that I am his favourite (sorry Mike Ko, I think I took over your self assumed role the moment you turned adult (just when I was born)). :-)

One thing I learned about grandpa just last week was his determination to live on. We all knew Gong went through a few surgeries through his lifetime. But Berd Ko, in re-telling a story told by his mother (Lu Mama) revealed to me what a man of great determination Gong was. After being diagnosed with colon cancer, he went through a surgery with an apparent survival rate of 5% over the next 5 year. The surgery took place before Chinese New Year and so he was recuperating at home during Chinese New Year when everyone came back to his U-shaped home to celebrate. One mid-night when he opened his room door to go to the loo, what greeted him was the sight of all of us, his grandchildren, one next to another sleeping on the floor in his living room. It was a moment of epiphany for him. It dawned on him that we, his family, his descendants are his wealth and from that night onwards, he was determined to live on for as long as he could live. Lo and behold, he lived on for another 20 years. Stuff medical statistics!!

Going back to Kluang will never be the same again. There will be no more reason to go back to his house, and when I do go back, I won’t get to see him sitting on his blue throne greeting me as I walk into the house, there won’t be anyone whom I can called Ah Gong to and when I walk into his room, there won’t be him sleeping on his bed. Everything will be different now. While everything has changed, nothing has changed in my heart. He continues to live on in my heart and in the hearts of all of us who called ourselves his own. He will always live on as his legacy continues in and through us. He has done what he has to do on earth and we the living shall continue to live on, stand up again to do our grandpa proud.

I have a dream but don’t think it will ever come to pass now. I had always wanted grandpa to witness my wedding :-( and I am not even close. Sigh…

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I’ve never been more homesick than now

I love you Kong, till we meet again… at home

1. any of numerous diurnal insects of the order Lepidoptera, characterized by clubbed antennae, a slender body, and large, broad, often conspicuously marked wings.

Seeing butterflies creates a sense of relief and joy for me. Just this morning as i was walking to work, i saw two yellow butterflies chasing each other around the flower bed. Immediately the scene reminded me of my childhood and how we used to catch butterflies in my grandfather's backyard. It was almost like a routine for us cousins during school holidays that we will go around the backyard to catch butterflies. The backyard was my late grandma's territory :-) It was filled with various kind of fruit trees, flower plants, leave plants and vegetables and so there was no lack of beautiful butterflies. We would run around the place with our either self-made butterfly net which is really half-past-six or a super old and worn-out net that miraculously appear each time we want to catch butterflies. Maybe my older cousins will tell me that they kept the net somewhere just that i was too young to know ANYTHING. hahaha... miraculously appear.. HAHAHA...

We would spend the whole day running around catching butterflies. We would then house the butterflies in a self-made aquarium look alike 'thingy'. Don't really know how to describe it, but we just find something to hold up the structure and use our old-school transparent book wrapper to cover it to prevent the butterflies from escaping. Talking about innovative and creativity, we were pretty good! On an average, we would catch tens and tens of butterflies in all sizes and colours. We will be so self entertained and excited about the catch(es) of the day. Those were the times... so fun and carefree.

Butterflies remind me of my childhood; butterflies remind me of my late grandma and her backyard; butterflies makes me pause a little while to reminisce about the past and give thanks for all that i ever had; butterflies make me joyful.

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me

Cast me not away
From thy presence oh Lord
Take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

Check my semester schedule, pretty full on. Assignment after assignment, but at least no classes. just self study which means super disciplined on my side. Excited! :-)

At the end of this road, how do i feel? or what have i gained? I think what i enjoyed the most is seeing my students learn and grow in knowledge and maturity. Getting to know them at a more personal level has allowed me to get into their world and witness the story they lived to tell themselves. Two students left a very deep impact on me. J and G. They are both very smart and good students who are keen to learn. J is a GPA 4.0 pointer and G 3.83. They were the top in the entire cohort.

J has always been a popular name among us who has taught him. Don't think he has ever gotten anything other than an A. His intelligence, respect for people and the way he carries himself makes anyone who taught him proud. G on the other hand is known for his logical and critical information processing. He is equally intelligent and outspoken with his good leadership quality. That was all i could see in my capacity as their educator.

As the year went by, my interaction with them grew. I got to know them personally as a friend, not just someone whom they see in front of the room downloading information. I was allowed into their story and was astounded to find out about their past. I struggled to connect their past and present. J was an O-level repeat student and G scored a high of 30 points for his O-level. They both went through a long way to get to where they are today. The route the had to take and the journey they had to endure is not an easy one. Both of them grew from their experience and had a life transformed through their 'failures'. I guess that is what makes them learn and grow. I am highly encouraged and in awe.

Today I am proud and glad for having had them under my guidance. Who learnt more? I am not sure :)

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

-Casting Crowns-

Lord, I thank you for your faithfulness and your love towards your people. You know each of our desires and the state of our hearts and our being. You preserve the righteous and not once have you ever failed us. I thank you for keeping Tuah Koo safe. May Your name be glorified through this.

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I'm finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

John 9:1-3
1As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.
2And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
3Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

John 11:1-4
1Now a certain man was sick, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha.
2It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.
3So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, "Lord, behold, he whom You love is sick."
4But when Jesus heard this, He said, "This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it."

…... it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
…... it was so for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.

These thoughts kept running through my mind. I know God, you are telling me something and I need to commune with you. As the music played in my iPod and I gazed upon the greens out of the window, I was reminded of the greatness and love of You, my Creator God, and my love for You.

It has always been my prayer for Your works to be displayed in me and for the Son of God to be glorified through this situation I am in. In both recorded events, both the sick were miraculously healed and restored by the authority and power Jesus carries. Their health were restored, they regained life and many were blessed. I want that too. You know the desire of my heart. I want to be healed, to be restored and to divorce away from this medical burden. I ask and I dare ask for specifics. I asked and am still asking that my Lupus will go away; that my body will not reject itself, that every cells and every single strand of coding DNA will be restored to its function at the time of Creation, fulfilling its rightful purpose. I asked that my hip joints would be restored, side effects of the steroid would be reversed, that there would be enough blood supply into that part of my body supplying enough oxygen for the bone cells to propagate and regenerate. I don't want to go through another round of surgery. I even dare believe and ask that the prosthesis on my right hip to be turned into flesh and bones once again. “Ask and you shall receive” you said and I know You are able to do far more abundantly beyond all that I can ask or imagine, according to the power that works within me. These are my desires and my asks.

But ultimately, my deepest desire and prayer is so that Your will be done and that Your name may be glorified through situations in my life. I do not and may never know the full extent of your workings in my life and how my life situations may influence or affect others around me. I may want my problems to be solved through a miraculous healing which I believe You can do, and I know through that, many will be blessed, rejoicing with me and become witness of Your restorative power and authority, but I also know that when I present my sickness and life unto Your hands through prayer, it has been made good - sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer. I know many saw the way You worked in my life and were at some points encouraged by what they see. I do hope that through my suffering (in and with Christ), I may bless others and bring glory to Your name.

He who believes in You, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" As the river never knows where it will flow to, I do not know the extent of where my Source will lead me to. I have present my asks and petitions over and over again to You my Lord, hear my plead and prayers. I desire and want my miraculous healing, but what I desire and want most is that Your works be displayed through me and Your name be glorified in whatever situations Your bring me. I trust and believe that You hear my prayers, You know what is the Best Gift for me, You will never leave me nor forsake me and You will never cause me to stumble beyond what I can bear. To die is gain and to live is Christ. I surrender everything and all that I am unto You. Show me the way to live and lead me in Your way everlasting. Amen.

1. I ask that my wheels to be turned. Something in me wants to breakout, to break forth into the new. I somehow know how it looks like yet i can't be sure, there is a drawing there and I am reaching forward to it. I want the wheels of my life to be turned, starting from the first one affecting the rest causing a major difference in my world. Somehow I feel disabled, unable to reach forward or should i say that I am not sure what steps to take. I desire, yet i feel powerless, walking each day the mediocre way, doing the things i do and do them well. There is a dissatisfaction... I want to be immersed and consumed by His passion, a passion strong enough to cause my being into focus and purpose. I want to be effective, I want to be contagious and I want to be alive. As i ask, God hears and will bring into clarity the vision and purpose for this season.

2. I ask for the restorative power of God to work in and through me. Its a constant battle i fight and am still fighting. I want a restored body. A body free from disease and curse, a body free to dance, free to run and free to worship. Every single cells in my body, every single pathway and every single mechanism to obey the law of His Purpose through Creation. I ask for healing, miraculous healing of the body so that the name of the Father may be glorified.

I want to be impregnated with my own King Samuel... an offspring who brings healing to the nations... restoring His Kingdom and Glory to His Name. God, hear my prayers.
Amen.

For the last few weeks, for some reason, everyone is suddenly crazy about sports and physical activities beyond my capacity. They go running, rollerblading, hiking, mountain climbing, wakeboarding, skiing,.. etc. All i can say to myself is "it's ok Mel, those are things that you know you cannot do, you are protecting your body by following the sign your body is showing.You just have to say 'no', go home, do something else that you can and enjoy doing". Oftentimes i have to kill the adventurous part of myself that wants to try all these things and enjoy the adrenalin rush. I had to stop myself from even entertaining the thoughts of doing them, for the fear and tendency of going into self despair and pity. I just have to kill it sometimes.

Its not always easy to say 'NO' with a complete confidence and self assurance. Yes i like spending time alone yet sometimes when i say 'no' and go away, i am not sure if i really would like to go home or do i just not have the luxury of having the option of joining them. The line is always blur. I sometimes do not have the choice but to sadly decline. Its a constant struggle and something i battle with - to be confronted by my own disability and helplessness.

While there is an internal battle to be fought, it doesn't really help to have some 'less understanding' friends. As hard as it is already to put away the desire, sometimes the looks, comments (unpleasant) and the imposed expectations from your 'less understanding' friends add on like a double whammy. You politely decline and they try all sort of things to persuade you to come. Some of them do not know you can't do it, some know yet think you are faking it, some know you really cannot do it yet would like you to come and watch them do, some just want to include you out of their interest for you. I appreciate their thoughts (latter).... but what they do not know is the internal battle and the strength i need to overcome. On one side, i need to battle with my own disability and insecurity. Secondly, I need strength to kill that side of me and say no, i cannot do it. Thirdly, you want me, while enduring the pain and discouragement of not being able to join in, and watch you do it? There are times that i am strong enough to brace myself, tag along and enjoy the fellowship and fun, but there are also times when i am weak, especially when its happening every other day or when my body is not up for it. I was challenged and feeling it hard. It doesn't help that in times like these, your friends make certain remarks about you going into hiding and labeled you as 'anti-social' or maybe certain other judgement that you are not living in the spirit. Give me a break!

Do i not have a choice in this? I know i do. I have a choice to not feel that way.. but somehow, i fail at times, especially when i loose perspective. I know that with all the things that was taken away from me, much else has been given to me. I may not have the ability or the freedom to do all these things that i wish i can, life is not just about that. Many other things has been graciously given to me, different gifts and talents, different strength and different role and purpose to fulfil. I may enjoy life in other ways and live a fruitful life.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

2. If you line up all the threads of DNA from every cell in your body end to end, the entire length would be long enough to reach to the sun and back 500 times. Now consider how compact your DNA is.

3. The man now known as the father of modern genetics was a nature lover who spent hours tending the monastery garden. Gregor Mendel, the nineteeth-century monk who studied more that 10,000 plants -meticulously following traits such as seed color, plant height, and pea color, came up with a set of theories that turned out to be dead-on and are now known as the Mendelian laws of inheritance.

4. You have 23 pairs of chromosomes that make you uniquely you. But among the 3.2 billion base pairs on those chromosoems, you have only about 31,000 genes. That is not even double the amount of genes a roundworm has. There is a variety of amoeba that has nearly 200 times the amount of genes that we do.

5. The difference between you and that unrelated guys walking his poodle down the street is just 0.1%. That means you share with any given unrelated person 99.9% of the same DNA. And in fact, the order of all those bases is exactly the same in almost all people - only 3 million bases is different from person to person.

6. According to Human Genome Project statistics, if you and a friend started reciting your DNA sequences at the rate of one letter a second, it would be more than eight and half minutes before the two of you reached a difference.

7. There is no such thing as race. And speaking of common ancestors, there turns out to be no such thing as race at the DNA level. You cannot tell simply by looking at someone's DNA whether they are black or white.

8. 95% of our DNA doesn't include genes at all and they call them junk DNA. The human genome has a much bigger percentage of junkk DNA than most ofther organisms do. The roundworm has 7% and fruit fly, only 3%.

9. Males carry most of the mutations. The mutation rate is roughly twice the female rate. Sperm cell requires 400 cell divisions but female eggs only require two dozen cell divisions (and were completed and seet aside before the female is even born). The more cell division a cell goes through, the more chances of error. So it makes sense.

10. The most populous chromosome is chromosome 1. It has more genes than any other chromosome: a total of 2,968. The most arid chromosome is the male Y chromosome, which only carries 231 genes.

I love my ah gong...

cool.. friendster can host pictures.. hahaha..its a bit small but better than nothing right?