I was just staring blankly at my lap top screen wondering if I should blog. I never seem to find the right words to express fully or articulate accurately what's really going on in my head/heart. Maybe it's the lack of vocabulary. haha. Awesome, great, really, cool, yea....=) Ah well, either that or I write so truthfully that I know people shouldn't be reading it at all. I'm a weirdo, I know.
Tonight brings back too many painful memories. I don't know why I'm such an emotional person, remembering almost every detail of specific events that happened in the past and holding on to it although I know that the people involved think I'm way over it. I should be way over it. It feels like there's so much junk accumulating in me that I need to unload and be filled fresh again. Yet, I'm standing at the crossroad and still choosing to hang on to it.
Get a grip, Winnie!
I'm feeling uncontented. Frustrated that I was treated unjustly and yet not given the space to be hurt. Just sweep it under the carpet and not bring it up ever again, you said to me. Not just once. I recall so vividly how my heart sank when I saw those words typed out in our conversation. I realised suddenly, I mean so little to you. You never really heard my side of the story, cause by the time it all sunk in and I had figured it out, I wasn't supposed to say a word. Maybe the silence is prolonging the healing process. Cause it feels like you think there's nothing worth me hurting about. It was just a mistake.
Still, I choose to love cause I don't know any other way. I cannot bear to let my heart grow cold. At least not to you.
I hope you never read this, although I wish you would. It's ok. We're good at pretending that sometimes I surprise myself sometimes. Perhaps I'm the only one pretending.
I don't ever want to know if you read this. I'd be too ashamed and you would never have the guts to face it again. Let's just keep saying our Hello's and How are you's. I'll live with it....
Posted by winnie at May 12, 2007 1:43 AM